Closure. I really require closure.
A good-bye when we leave each other's presence.
Wrapping up a relationship in sorrow yet gratitude with clarity as the GPS.
A final conversation with a client I have walked alongside with for two years, celebrating their glory that resurrected from a suffocating story.
End of year celebrations at school.
Shining a light on the loss of health or a job.
I consider closure one of those "meet me in the present moment in truth" encounters.
Without closure, I am haunted by the loose ends, untethered,unspoken words. Unhinged dreams left dangling in the spring storm of emotions in regard to relationship. It's like a gaping wound for me in some instances.
People resist it because they do not like to cause pain or feel it themselves. Who wants to stir up guilt, rejection, fear or projection? You don't have to bring those to the last party though if you are willing to simply be vulnerable, honest and authentic. Some people don't want to face their decisions or admit regret. Good-byes are not their shining moments, so they avoid them thinking it will simply fade away even though the shadows remain. Maybe they anticipate the other person's messy way of moving through it all. I am not saying it's going to be pretty or easy. Difficult conversations and emotions are not meant for beauty but for the depth of feeling of love once entangled and the completion of this chapter of their story.
Maybe I am just weird. It's important that I experience closure. I want to dive in deep, get intimate, be real, wrap it all up in a heart filled, intensely present moment good-bye. I actually did that with one ex-partner. After fighting for a year about splitting up, we realized we had the tools for conscious uncoupling and utilized them. It was the most loving, healing experience I have ever had.
Maybe it's because I almost died at 30 years at the beginning of what would be a long term illness that I require the closure. The sudden loss is shocking and it's certainly never scheduled in advance. It's a moment to moment awareness. I am clearly aware that we cannot get time back and lost moments are like karmic post it notes.
Closure consciously closes the door. It's an opportunity for responsibility, when necessary, and deep appreciation and love, when available. It's not about answers for me. It is literally about a good-bye.
All of this is stirring within me because of this pandemic. With Shelter in Place and schools now closed for the year, there is no closure there. I didn't get to hug the kids or teachers/staff good-bye. It was a challenging year for many reasons. We were on the other side of the intensity of the beginning of the year then side-swiped with not being able to return. We had no idea this storm was coming even though there were hints of it's approach that Friday before Spring Break. Although I get to see some of the students on our Zoom Room Mindfulness meetings, it's not the same.
I won't see our 5th graders again who are heading to middle school. Many of them I have walked with in mindfulness since first or second grade. These kids are like my nieces and nephews so it's just emotionally challenging at times.
The lack of closure opened another wound and grief poured through with an intense fire - red and orange glows of remembrance of a relationship that took a 360 degree turn 14 months ago, ending without a real good-bye. For eight hours, it flowed.
A dear friend wrote the following to me via text after I shared how the other night was powerfully painful and potent for release......
"Mmm..Veronica. Praying comfort for your heart. Those difficult emotions washing in and back out are such compassion teachers. I was reading earlier about how true warriors have the most tender hearts - they let the sadness in - which connects them to the compassion of the world, which motivates service. I love your tender heart, prayer warrior! You are capable of so much love. All who are on your path are blessed by your presence." ~ S.
These powerful healing words wrapped my heart in the gift of understanding especially after the "fire ceremony" I experienced the other day. It was an acknowledgement of letting the sadness in, allowing it to flow even with all of the discomfort and confusion. Bearing witness to pain is healing. Someone else bearing witness to your experience is a great offering to one's soul.
We don't always get what we pray for and we can't expect others to have the same need for closure as we do. Wisdom arrives in unexpected treasures hidden beneath the layers of our sweet, little egos. If an "in person"closure is not possible, then meet in the heart space of the Love that once ignited you on a soul level conversation. Let it BE. Acceptance is the key. When you are ready.
As far as my students, well..I have planted Peace Seeds in the Garden of Good and I just trust that they bloom. I keep them in my prayers daily.
As one door closes, another door opens..or a window....or a crevice shining a light on a new path. Only when we have moved farther enough away from it all can we turn back and gleam the deep truth of all that unfolded.
Closure for me simply means, "I love you."