A four letter word that sometimes creates a deep dissonance in me.
I don't mind the social distancing and waiting for my turn to get those orchard peaches from the Good Local Markets. Yes, kindly wait right here for those succulent, early summer delicacies.
Taking turns at the crosswalk too is an appropriate way to wait. Safety for all.
Dreams that are seeded take time to crack through their shell, like an acorn, and root deeply to then reach for the sunlight and grow into its most magnificent Oak tree self. I get it. It's a process.
We wait for packages of materialistic items we have ordered online. Life does not provide you with text messages that track your next experience's estimated arrival as it does for your Old Navy jeans.
At 30, deathly ill with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction that was not scheduled in my daily planner, I almost died, bringing forth an urgency I sometimes feel when I don't want to wait. Impatience is my Achilles heel.
When that word is used against me, it triggers a cellular memory.
My mother likes to tell the story that on the day of my birth, my father (who was a Sergeant in the Army) had a big inspection. When she started going into labor he told her to wait. Obviously, that didn't happen.
When I hear that word - wait - the inner child translates it as, "You are not important enough, just wait," or "I don't love you enough to want to be here now for you."
Of course, that was not his intention and it is definitely not a "daddy" issue playing out. The trigger did get seeded there though.
There are roots of unrest when I hear that word.
Something similar happened 16 months ago. Long story. Too personal to share. Complicated. It's haunted me daily. Wait. With no guarantees that it will ever occur.
Life can't wait and neither will Love.
Love...that other four letter word. It's present in the holy, sacred now. It is Source of the child emerging from the nestled womb it was nurtured in. It is the kiss of the lemon yellow sun awakening me along with the symphony of the feathered clan singing the arrival of the new day. It's the phases of the Moon from full to a sliver of a lover in the sky. It's the summer solstice that peaks in light for the longest day and the winter one that drops us into the fruitful darkness and the depths of silence. It's the first kiss of a lover and the laughter in between that rings Joy in the dance of two souls. Life, unfolding, moment to moment.
Waiting for love doesn't make sense to me. Nothing is guaranteed but this HOLY NOW.
LOVE...itself...can't wait. Every moment missed can never be retrieved. Love is the elixir that heals all wounds. It is the critical ingredient in the alchemy of life. Without experiencing Real Love, deep Love, everything else is a facade.
As a new vision arrives not only for my life and the world after this pandemic, I think about the 467K deaths from COVID-19. Last year, those people had no idea that they would die. I wondered what regrets did they leave behind. Did they live fully in the moment? Were they able to love with all of their heart and soul? Was there any premonitions of what was arriving in their last days?
Being alone during this historical time gave me an expansive space to dive deep into excavating diamonds in the story lines of my life. The silence was palpable. The loneliness was my sole companion during those long days. When I was tired of reading, being on social media or trying new recipes (I was unable to write during that time except for my morning pages), I would sit on my emerald, velvet little couch and simply stare out the window, feeling into the moment. I had no place to go, no one to love, no text messages of adoration and concern. Nothing. Just me, myself and I with the Divine. Pure Presence.
The shift from being alone to solitude that has enhanced my spirituality and creativity was a welcomed gift this last month. It was a slow, painful, potent arrival of awareness. Everyday I lived with the, "Wait," was an assault on my heart. I let it go. Acceptance. That last stage of grief. No guarantees but this exact breath. Here. Now.
I am not waiting. Love meets me in every moment. I will drink the daily offering as a sacred gift. The symphony of rain and thunder as I write this brings me to the preciousness of each day. Egrets coasting above the tree line as I sat on my balcony in silence, infused in the end of day dance of the feathered clan yesterday evening, enchanted me. Wispy clouds transformed before my eyes. I was certain I saw an angel staring back at me. Life by the lake provides trinkets and treasures of remembering the good in the moment and the gifts of open-heartedness. Phone calls laced with laughter and wisdom from friends and a few, social distancing coffees-to-go with my nieces and nephews and a friend, have provided comfort for this hugging hippie.
I will slide into home base at the end of my life, affirming a really long, glorious one, screeching in utter delight of the life I lived and the Love I shared and experienced. Truly, all we have is this Holy NOW. Waiting for love, postponing Real Love in the present moment, can lead to the rust of regret and is a cancer for the heart.
I choose to live in the deepest LOVE now. There is no time to wait. What will you choose?